Quotes transcribed primarily by me (Thayne Bohman) and Bryan S.
- Elemental Masters
- Heroes of Destiny
- D&D Next Playtest
- The Legendary Heroes of Cataclysmic Fire
Records of this game are sparse, and players and characters frequently came and went. Some of these characters likely belong to different campaigns and just haven't been placed properly. Additionally, for the final session or two, Jay took over as DM and Thayne joined as a player, which resulted in a near-TPK and starting a new campaign. Apologies in advance for Jayson's crude language.
- Kessith - Human Dark Elementalist - Played by Jayson D.
- Etree - Aleiram Elf Water/Fire Elementalist - Played by Andy S.
- Andromadous - Lyorae Fire Elementalist - Played by Brian S.
- Fuegan Brimbrand - Elven Fire Elementalist - Played by Bryan S.
- Illiriel - Niera Elf Air Elementalist - Played by Bryan S.
- Filindrel - Niera Elf Water Elementalist - Played by Bryan S.
- Rochlathan - Human Two-weapon Fighter (No element) - Played by Jay S.
- Fen - Niera Elf Light Elementalist - Played by Daniel S.
- Tamelon - Half-elf Archer/Air Elementalist - Played by Timothy B.
- Avarin Linn - Alidran Elf Light Elementalist - Played by Thayne B.
- Turiel LeGonte - Human Earth Elementalist - Played by Thayne B.
- Everyone else (DM) - Played by Thayne B.
Kessith to Arth (NPC): "I will buy you. Everyone has a price and you will be my friend forever."
Etree to Kessith: "You are the cause of me being blown to bits!"
Kessith: "Hey secretary, are you gonna go work for him, or are you gonna stay here? I'm tired of you not giving him an answer. A hundred and twenty-five gold, I will pay you in advance. Here."
Rochlathan: "That little boy is the greatest. I love little boys. They run fast."
Rochlathan: "Please go away - I mean, have a nice day, sir."
Kessith: "Are you going to whip them?"
Etree (?): "Even though they've been doing a good job?"
Kessith: "What's that got to do with whipping?"
Etree (?): "I'll leave that to you."
Unknown Player: "How's business been?"
NPC: "Been good."
Unknown Player: "Let's cut to the chase."
Unknown, shortly after a cockatrice battle: "Ladies and gentlemen, you may wish to keep your hands and feet inside the carriage at all times, or they may turn to stone."
Rochlathan: "We can make an army of pillow people - to fight for us."
(Scribed courtesy of Bryan)
Fen: "Hey baby, what's your element?"
DM (?): "You're dead!"
Kessith: "No I'm not. I'm alive. Until you kill me."
Kessith to Etree (OOC): "You are FA-TIGUED! Don't you act all, unfatigued."
Kessith (OOC): "Yoda's not a real person."
Etree (OOC): "Say what you want. I have pictures! I have proof!
Kessith: "If I was a blob of goo, I'd be pretty [ticked] off too. Imagine how pointless life would be."
Etree to Bryan: "I immediately look at you in elven and call you a liar!"
DM: "Don't you mean you look at him and say it in elven?"
Kessith: "I hate that dog. I want it to bark until it chokes."
Kessith (OOC): "Did you like the part where the lion was stupid the whole time?"
Etree: "He's 20 feet tall? The hole's 150 feet deep. That's not enough math."
(Scribed courtesy of Bryan)
Rochlathan: "I won't get on my knees, but I'll watch."
Etree: "I'm not retarded; I'm your uncle!"
Kessith: "Every person that looks, I tell them, '%* you!!'"
Kessith to Etree: "I still contemplate, every now and then, why you exist."
Kessith: "Five minutes is forever."
Kessith to DM: "That's right. Think about what he says. I want to hear something along the lines of, 'Oh [dang]! I didn't see that coming!'"
Rochlathan: "I thought these guys were religious; why did they flash me?!" (referring to a spell called Flash)
Kessith: "What are you gonna do, cast 'Gay' on me?"
Fen: "I move up and stab. Do I stab yet?"
Etree (Amidst planning): "We've gotta figure out a plan."
Kessith to Etree: "What are you gonna do, throw cookies at him?"
Etree: *rolls dice* "That's a thirteen!... If you want me to roll a check..."
Etree: "I take that comment back; you're not an idiot."
Etree: "Details and dead both have 'D's in them. There's a reason."
Etree: "I have no mana, I have no weapons, I am nothing."
- ??? - Human Fighter - Played by Jayson D.
- ??? - Elven ??? - Played by Andy S.
- ??? - Played by Bryan S.
- ??? - Played by Brian S.
- ??? - Played by Thayne B.
- Everyone else (DM) - Played by Jay S.
(Scribed courtesy of Bryan)
Jayson: "I cast 'Hetero' on any homos in the room."
Brian (OOC): "What is Quidoba?"
DM (OOC): "It's like Chipotle but spelled differently."
Jayson: "I'm pretty good at killing people first."
Bryan: "And asking questions later?"
Jayson: "No, just killing people first."
Bryan: "What's the problem?"
Lord Delrin (NPC): "People are being killed. I mean, not being killed, but they're not being killed."
Lord Delrin: "These dice were carved from the leg bone of a cattle."
Jayson: "Cattle? Cat-tle? Like... a cow?!?"
Andy: "I joined this party, and I can de-join anytime I want!"
Thayne: "Saving the world seems like a good idea."
Andy: "I say nothing, because there is no WAY I'm making a bluff check."
Thayne, about Jayson: "I wasn't going to kill him. But if he died I would've let him."
Jayson: "I CAN'T NOT KILL PEOPLE IN ROLEPLAYING GAMES!!"
Jayson: "There are people with all different kinds of ethics at this table."
Andy: "Dude. We're all white..."
Bryan: *puts hand on Jayson's shoulder* "Remember: The party that slays together stays together."
Jayson: *puts hand on Bryan's shoulder* "And a party that gays together..."
(Scribed courtesy of Bryan)
Jayson: "There's nothing wrong with being racist."
Jayson: "I'm a bounty hunter with a bounty on me? I'll turn myself in! You can throw me in jail, just give me the gold!"
DM (to Jayson): "You are not a murderer."
Thayne: "Not until you become one, anyway..."
Jayson: "Dirty elves."
DM: "You hate elves?"
Jayson: "I didn't say I hate them, they're just dirty."
Jayson: "If I'm not out in 5 minutes, leave without me. After 30 minutes."
Jayson: "Only women have that many fur coats."
Bryan: "And rich people."
Jayson: "...and women."
Jayson: "I don't know how to light a fire! Do I look like a boy scout or a woodchuck... or an elf?!?!"
DM: "I'm fine that you're delaying the game. It's just that much longer you're going to live."
Brian: "I cast a spell."
DM: "There's nothing to attack."
Brian: "...I said I cast a spell!"
Jayson: "We keep him as far ahead as we can see. When he gets hit by an arrow, we duck."
Jayson: "How much money would you give us to get that book? Over $15,000?"
DM: "Please don't take it personally if my men shoot you."
(Scribed courtesy of Bryan)
DM: "We were trying to figure out if those two guys died."
Jayson: "If they're not dead, then I didn't commit murder!"
Thayne: "We've seen half a dozen guards since we've been here."
Brian: "That's about six, by the way."
Jayson: "Everybody disagrees with you."
Jayson: "Do I have the right to an expeditious trial?"
DM: "You have the right to remain silent."
Thayne: "Do you have anything that could communicate the location of... itself?"
Jayson: "You only have forever, though."
Jayson: "One of you go kill yourselves and say I did it."
DM: "We bring your corpse back whether its alive or dead."
Bryan: "You're toasted like a piece of toast."
- Etree Modusk - Niera Elven crossbowman - Played by Andy S.
- Craethil - Amyu Archer - Played by Timothy B.
- Sven - Human Two-weapon Fighter - Played by Daniel S.
- Everyone else (DM) - Played by Thayne B.
(Scribed courtesy of Timothy)
Jidara (NPC, in response to a player's stated goal): "That is the hope."
Etree: "No. That is the indefinite." (He meant definite)
Etree: "I tell him 'thank him very much.' "
(Scribed courtesy of Timothy)
(The party sees a flickering red glow in the distance while traveling through a swamp)
Sven: "Is it alluring?"
Sven (basically revealing all the party's secrets in one statement): "We are looking for ring. Powerful magic ring... part of matching set."
Etree: "You can't rest and sleep at the same time."
Catha (NPC barmaid): "What brought you here?"
Sven, Craethil [Simultaneously]: "Ring." "Zombies."
Craethil: "We came for the ring, and stayed for the zombies."
(Scribed courtesy of Timothy)
Craethil, to an NPC priest (referring to the other party members): "I try to keep these two in line, but... usually I don't try very hard."
Etree, to an NPC shopkeeper [Paraphrasing]: "I happen to have recently... acquired some valuable objects, but can't be burdened to carry them on my travels. Would you be willing to take them off my hands?"
Sven: "You couldn't have sounded more like a thief if you said, 'Do you want to buy some stolen property?' "
Etree, about Sven: "It's all part of the game; it's fun. If he dies again, he'll learn."
Etree: "Well, we had to roll initiative, so I assumed hostility."
DM: "I had breakfast at 8:00 this morning."
Sam: "I had my first meal at noon."
Sam's brother: "I had breakfast at Tiffany's."
Jay: "Oh. Well... I didn't know you and Tiffany were so close."
Jay: "Wait, we're doing that impossible adventure?!"
DM: "No, we're playing the Caves of Chaos. You're thinking of the Mines of Madness."
Jay: "Oh, well excuuuse me!
- Garsan Eyllisvirrea - Elven Ranger - Played by Jay S.
- Dasred Oathspinner - Half-Elven Wild Mage - Played by A.T.
- Ignatius - Human Gallant - Played by Sam L.
- Zorintino Gaf - Gnomish Mage - Played by Tommy J.
- Drolund, the Intransigent - Dwarven Cleric - Played by Bryan S.
- Tytus Luneus - Elven Thief - Played by Andy S.
- Everyone else (DM) - Played by Thayne B.
Tytus: "I put on the necklace and do cartwheels."
DM: "What's your dexterity?"
Garsan: "I have died every day since I've been around you guys!"
Garsan (incapacitated in the previous battle): "I hobble over and say mean things to him."
(Discussing the pocket-watch they just recovered)
Drolund: "It can probably turn back time."
Garsan: "If nothing else, it can tell time, and that's something none of us can do."
Garsan: "I cast detect magic on it."
DM: "You don't have that."
Garsan: "Well if I had it I would."
DM (to Zorintino): "You don't have detect magic... unless you do."
(Dasred's player had just come in, carrying two baby chicks)
Drolund (OOC): "What inspired you to purchase these fowl?"
Dasred (OOC): "They're not foul, they're cute!"
Lizardman king: "Did you think you could stand a chance against me and my tribe?"
Garsan: "Well, we might be about to lose, but I think we stood a chance."
Garsan: "Sprick. I see. That's an unfortunate name you have there."
(Ignatius is trying to woo the female bar owner)
Drolund: "Now is the time to strike! Wait... is she drunk yet? Because that would be the time to strike."
Ignatius: "I act charming... and stuff."
(Tytus' player walks in)
Drolund (OOC): "[Tytus]. So we meet again."
Tytus (OOC): "Yes. We should stop doing this. People will talk."
Tytus (in response to hearing about the spider farm): "Do they milk the spiders or something?"
Guest (Non-player): "So you stole the lizardman eggs?"
Drolund (OOC): "Well, we killed their parents first, but yes, we stole them."
(The Chinese delivery guy was about 45 minutes late)
Dasred (OOC): "Come on, Mr. Asian Man. Bring me my dinner!"
Dasred (OOC): "If I were the only white person in Africa, I would get burned."
Tytus (OOC): "If there were 5 million white people there, what would prevent you from getting sunburned?"
Dasred (OOC): "'Cause the sun would focus on them."
Garsan (in response to another party member finding a destroyed apothecary): "Whenever there's any kind of liquid, you always lick it up. Especially if there's shattered glass."
Dasred (OOC): "[Tytus], you remind me of Robin Williams."
Tytus (OOC): "I'm sorry."
(The rest of the party has just reunited with Ignatius)
Garsan (to Ignatius, who was absent last session): "How have things been going around here?"
DM (answering for him): "Well, there's quite a commotion."
Garsan: "So his head was cloven in two?"
(Discussing the recent murder)
Ignatius: "I had nothing to do with it!"
Garsan: "How do you know?!"
DM: "She has two club feet."
Garsan: "Well, those are bludgeoning weapons, so it can't be her."
Tytus: "We found lipstick on his collar; your lipstick!"
Beekeeper: "I don't wear lipstick..."
Ignatius: "We found honey on his collar."
Tytus: "If you're willing to commit the crime, you should be willing to talk about it."
Garsan: "Hold on, we're jumping to conclusions here..."
Ignatius: "Yes, you are."
Ignatius: "Can we finish talking to the normal suspects yet?"
Tytus: "They're women, we don't care." (Due to evidence, Tytus had discounted all women as suspects)
(At the scene of the murder)
Garsan: "I hear there's a terrible mess going on here."
Ignatius: "Yes, he's over there."
Garsan: "That's preposterous! ...And I love it!"
Ignatius (OOC to Tytus, who just went into his character's inn room): "Do not steal my stuff."
Tytus (to DM): "Yeah... what does he have?"
Garsan (to Tytus): "If you don't think there's anything wrong with killing your sibling, then I'd hate to think about the fact that you're going to be behind me as we enter this house."
DM (after some question on vocabulary): "It's a larder. It's not where they store lard, it's where they store food."
Garsan (OOC): "Well a pantry is where I keep my pants."
(The DM just read the description of a new magic item the party gained, including several size qualifiers)
Garsan: "Let's hope that thing doesn't malfunction. We're all man-sized creatures."
DM: "You come across a party of nine dwarves."
Drolund: "Are you sure it's not thirteen dwarves and a hobbit?"
Ignatius: "Are you sure it's not seven dwarves and a princess?"
Zorintino (to a shopkeeper, after having declared he was looking for a long pole): "Do you have any small mammals for sale?"
Garsan: "Last time I checked small mammals and a large pole were not a good combination."
Zorintino (OOC): "How does that work? That doesn't make any sense."
Ignatius (OOC): "It's 2nd edition; nothing makes sense."
Garsan: "Guys, I found a rabbit! Its name is Trapfinder."
Garsan: "How big are the rats?"
DM: "Two feet."
Garsan: "I find a suitable mount."
Garsan: "And there's no horse either. Except for the dwarf."
Ignatius: "Wait a second, maybe we should just knock."
Drolund: "We just did. With a warhammer."
Drolund: "Should I cast a detect trap spell?"
Garsan: "Hmm... let's wait until a trap goes off."
DM: "The dog runs between your legs and bites. ... The enemy."
Tytus: "You'd get some crazy lyme disease from giant ticks."
Garsan: "More like watermelon disease."
Garsan: "It's a tick attack!"
Zorintino: "Just don't tick them off!"
DM: "This door is slightly ajar."
Drolund: "I thought you said it was a door..."
Garsan: "They're just defending their homeland. Can't blame them for that."
Tytus: "So we're committing genocide."
(Discussing some giant beetles the party found in a cage)
Tytus: "They eat mushrooms. They're vegetarians."
Ignatius: "But they still have weapons on their faces!"
Tytus: "They're like monkeys with a banana, they're gonna beat it until there's nothing left."
Tytus: "If we can befriend these beetles, maybe they'll eat the door."
Tytus: "We don't know how many there are."
Garsan: "Dude, that's why I just run into a room."
Garsan: "Would you like my cousin [Tytus] to sneak in, or would you like me to run in and shout the number back to you?"
Dasred (OOC): "He-Man is not an adult show."
Tytus (OOC): "Really? 'Cause I'm an adult and I watch him."
Ignatius: "Let's just stay in this room. It's slightly evil, but who cares."
Garsan: "It's slightly evil, but it's full of money. Money is the root of all evil, so..."
Garsan: "[Ignatius] is guarding the money."
Tytus: "Wait, do we trust him?"
Zorintino: "As long as it's not a woman, I think we can trust him."
DM: "[Garsan], you're surprised."
Garsan: "Oooh, I like surprises!"
Drolund: "I shine my shield of shining into the gooey goo."
Garsan: "I'd risk my left arm to put that bead of force into it."
Tytus: "You've already risked your face."
Garsan: "My arm is less important than my face."
DM: "If you hit the bead of force now, all the party members will be hit."
Garsan: "Ok, so you guys run away and I will do it. And I will tell you how awesome the explosion was."
(Referring to Garsan's Ring of Free Action after the above quotes)
Tytus: "Actually, taking that ring off of him and letting him be paralyzed is not a bad idea."
(Tytus, the thief, wanted to start a bank in town)
Garsan: "People would try to make withdrawals, and you would be, like, 'sorry, I made a pair of gold-plated pants.' "
DM: "Did you succeed on your checks?"
Zorintino: "I didn't know there were checks... but yes, I did."
Drolund (OOC): "What do you give a horse to keep it from getting dehydrated riding through the desert?"
Equestrian friend (Non-player): "Water? Or beer... why?"
Zorintino: "Well, in the desert it's better to have water than... death."
DM: "I find your lack of presence disturbing."
Zorintino: "Is its fur on fire?"
DM: "Animals aren't exactly combustible materials, so no."
Drolund: "I equip the blindfold of seeing!"
Zorintino: "Let's cut it up and see what's inside."
Tytus: "She gave us that prophecy thing, right?"
Tytus: "How dare her?"
(Asking about a Behir)
Zorintino: "Are they poisonous?"
DM (NPC Traveller): "They've been known to eat horses and people whole."
Ignatius: "Time is not of the essence."
Tytus: "Yeah, who cares if we save the world?"
DM (NPC villager): "You know what's wrong?"
Tytus (stating the obvious): "Yes. All the water is gone."
Tytus: "I believe it to be invisible bugbears that were thirsty."
DM (NPC villager): "Our demise?"
Tytus: "Yes! You will be demised, otherwise."
Ignatius: "Remember, these towns here aren't especially rich. Not like us."
Ignatius (OOC): "You take care of the children, woman."
Tytus: "I'm a thief, don't tell me I can't hide stuff."
Drolund: "If I'm gonna have rubble in my dungeon, it's gonna be clean."
Drolund (offering to translate the Goblins' speech): "When they beg for their lives, I'll just tell you that they're begging us to hang them."
Ignatius: "I won't torment them and kill them; I'll just do one or the other."
Ignatius (to DM): "Does his head look expensive?"
Tytus: "He's a goblin. Basically, he died 'cause he was short."
Tytus: "I say, 'What is your name?' "
DM: "He replies, *choking noises*"
Tytus: "I was gonna kill him 'cause I didn't understand him."
Tytus: "He's just questioned our honor."
Garsan: "I question your honor every day."
Tytus: "That's because you know me."
Garsan: "Superhuman strength is not easy to come by."
Ignatius: "Yeah, you'd have to roll around in a lot of meat to get that strong."
(Garsan has an 18/24 strength, and has a habit of rolling in the nastiest stuff he can find - to "camouflage his scent")
Tytus (OOC): "I would rather be out there eating Twinkies, canned food, popping zombies in the head. That would be the life for me."
Drolund (OOC): "Swimming is for people who don't know how to walk."
Elder: "Ah, yes, welcome."
Drolund: "Yes, I am welcome."
Drolund: "I've taught them a handful of words. Beer. Ale. Rum."
Ignatius: "I'm gonna go investigate."
Drolund: ".......by yourself?"
DM: "You're both trapped between dogs and fire."
Drolund: "Yes, we are, but I have a mysterious substance at my disposal!"
Ignatius: "That's the one that bit you!"
Ignatius: "And nearly killed me... twice!"
Tytus: "I shoot him... twice."
DM: "The dog is dead."
DM: "No, the other dog!"
Drolund: "Your life is in danger and you change your vows? What is this, marriage?"
Tytus: "Wait, maybe I don't have to run to them."
Drolund: "You can fly!"
Drolund: "Here's another question: can we tempt them with something?"
Tytus: "Yes, we can run them over with the cart."
Tytus: "What food do we have? We have a dead lizard guy!"
Drolund and Ignatius: "NO!"
Drolund: "I'm telling you, cast the Dweomer every time. It never fails, except when it does."
Stone giant: "I haven't met any humans strong enough to kill a stone giant. Any small folk."
Tytus: "Oooh... I'm gonna take that as - an observation."
Drolund: "Perhaps we can make a deal. Where we pay you less money than that. ... How does that sound?"
DM: "They do that frequently."
Zorintino: "As in, 'often?' "
Ignatius (OOC): "There's cake."
Zorintino (OOC): "It has nuts."
Tytus (OOC): "...I'm not offended."
DM: "You start cutting it open. It'll take a while, though."
Garsan: "Dude, I have a Short Sword of Slowness!"
Ignatius: "Just punch yourself in the diaphragm!" *punches throat*
(On stealing food from the giants' fortress)
Garsan: "We're going through the drive thru window at the McDonalds. You get the food and we leave!"
Drolund: "Is there a stupidity spell?"
Zorintino: "I don't have it memorized, but I can cast reduce on their brains."
Tytus (OOC, looking at the minis on the board): "[Garsan], what are you doing?"
Garsan (OOC, examining a Nerf gun): "Looking down the barrel."
Garsan: "All of our adventures end with me dying."
Drolund: "That's the fun of the game! You just run and hope you don't get caught!"
Zorintino: "I could cast reduce on their brains."
Ignatius (OOC): "Tell [Garsan] he killed someone."
Drolund (OOC): "He always does that. Regardless of whether it's necessary."
Ignatius: "Before you burn down the tent, make sure [Garsan] is not insi- You know what, actually go ahead."
Garsan: "How do you make a hippogriff really really angry?
Ignatius: "Punch it in the face?"
Ignatius: "I want his outfit."
Zorintino: "I want his door."
(The party was fighting a well-armored enemy who had come through an apparently magical door/teleporter)
Ignatius: "And I got a nemesis, that's awesome."
Ignatius: "The plan almost worked! How 'bout that?"
Tytus: "I see profit in being able to kill people, because I can take their stuff."
Drolund: "What do we gain out of saving this town? Other than experience."
(Most of the players were out of the room, and there were critical decisions to be made)
Tytus (to Zorintino): "We're gonna vote a lot the same way, and someone's gonna die."
Zorintino: "Doesn't he have a giant meat shield?"
Tytus: "No, [Garsan]'s back on the ground."
Ignatius: "No we do not sing trail songs. We sing them in our heads."
DM (checking a text message): "Oh, [Tytus]. He might be coming after all!"
Dasred (OOC): "Nooooooooooo!"
Garsan (about to charge three giants): "You guys can start pelting them with various ranged weapons, and if I start dying, I'll run back."
Garsan (OOC): "We're making a D&D movie."
Dasred (OOC): "About what?"
Garsan (OOC): "D&D."
Ignatius: "Through the use of really good luck and forgetting the rules, we have slain three giants!"
Tytus: "Material things mean everything to me."
(The party reaches a small town)
DM: "Overall, it looks like there's probably not more than a couple hundred people here."
Tytus: "Okay. We can take a couple hundred people."
Garsan (to Tytus): "Half of that stuff you probably stole, and the other half we stole!"
Dasred's player was replaced with a guest for this session.
Dasred: "Why are we trying to get up to the ceiling?"
Garsan: "Because there's goblins up there we can kill."
Garsan: "I want to wear the hides of my slain enemies; what's wrong with that? People do it all the time, guys."
Dasred: "What's your alignment?"
Garsan: "Awesome. Chaotic Awesome."
DM: "[Garsan], make a saving throw vs..."
Garsan: "And if I refuse?"
Zorintino: "So there's a whole village full of women and children we can kill?"
Garsan: "Let's not get hasty here. We have to kill all the warriors first."
Garsan: "Guys, we'll have to murder the entire village."
Zorintino: "No, we'll have to kill them in the night. Oh wait, that's murdering, too."
Rekkel (Half-orc NPC sentry): "It's the first village to truly accept me."
Garsan: "Well they should, you're a freak like them."
Zorintino: "We're not the people you're looking at."
Zorintino: "Chadranther is a really powerful mage, right?"
Zorintino: "But the weakness of all beings is they can suffocate."
Dasred: "Do you guys have any useful spells?"
Garsan: "No. All of our spells are completely useless."
Dasred: "Is he unconscious or dead?"
Garsan: "I-I'm prodding him to find out."
DM: "Getting on a rat that big will be tough."
Garsan: "Have you ever tried getting on a horse? Well, it will be like getting on a truck."
(Ignatius is hanging onto a giant rat, with absolutely no control. His player asks who Chadranther is)
Zorintino: "He's the one running the village that you're riding towards - being dragged towards."
DM: "Ok, so you're running into the darkness."
Ignatius: "I'll be fine."
Drolund (OOC): "It's like we're moving through time."
Ignatius (OOC): "At a rate of one minute per minute."
(Tytus is being questioned by Keledrim Sparkstriker, an NPC dwarf, and is trying to meet his leader, Chadranther)
Tytus: "I can't write it down; it's a message of words."
Keledrim: "Words can be written!"
Tytus: "Whenever the guards come back, I take out my sword and" *gestures as if holding it up and rubbing it against his hand*.
Garsan: "Cut your hand off?"
Ignatius: "I really wish you had had a better conversation with him, because I think we could have gotten more information out of what exactly he meant by that. Unfortunately, you are Tytus, and you don't have conversations."
Ignatius: "We have just got this guy to start liking us, and now he's going to see [Garsan]."
(Dasred has just disappeared from a Nahal's Reckless Dweomer spell, out of party sight)
Zorintino: "She had all the party gold."
Tytus (Discussing the advantages and disadvantages of being small): "Yes, a berry could feed the village. But a centipede could eat it."
Ignatius: "We will have to do something about Chadranther. Because this village reeks of corruption. Or something."
Garsan: "It's probably just me."
Ignatius: "We are adventurers from the outside."
Ignatius: "World. That was implied."
Garsan: "Elves aren't people. Only people are people.
Ignatius: "You're an elf."
Garsan: "I know. I'm not a person."
(The party just managed to talk their way out of prison and into a meeting with Chadranther)
Ignatius: "We were doing it IN CHARACTER! We made them like all of us — except for Tytus — IN CHARACTER!"
Garsan: "I don't make them hate me; I just don't give them false expectations."
Garsan: "Snakes can eat mice whole. We are, like, a quarter the size of mice. It can eat us very, very whole."
Garsan: "Now that we've saved you, we don't regret it."
Drolund: "You're soaked and wingless and armorless."
Ignatius: "I'm alive, so I say that's a win."
Zorintino: "We have to clog up the fountain."
Garsan: "Where's [Tytus]'s head?"
Garsan: "Do fish people eat fish? Isn't that like cannibalism?"
Ignatius: "It would be like humans eating monkeys. It's not that big of a deal."
Ignatius: "That's what the guy who lied to us told us!"
Garsan: "He's my cousin. I mean, not that I trust him or anything."
2/19/13 (planning for next session via e-mail)
Zorintino's player: "I think im good for any thing ... cant wait to own a floating island."
Drolund's player: "And a portable castle."
Garsan's player: "And a legion of citizen-slaves to do our bidding unquestioningly! ... wait, where are we getting the island and the castle from?"
Drolund's player: "That's right, you weren't there for the last session!
Well, we were exploring the caves in this island where the ship crash landed because of the turtledragonturtle, and we stumbled upon a door resting against the wall of the cave. We opened to find that it led to the inside of some kind of castle. Do you remember that quest where we had to steal the food back from those bandits so that the town in the mountains could eat? And we went into a tent to find an extra-dimensional door that led into a bandit's keep?
After pontificating for a bit, we realized that we could just pick up the door and carry it with us. And while carrying around a door might be a bit cumbersome, we realized that we could put it inside our bag of holding.
Hence the portable castle.
Needless to say, we unanimously decided to drop the quest we were on and clear out the bandit's keep so we could claim it for our own. Upon reaching a balcony on one of the higher levels, we looked out to see that the keep was surrounded by a forest, which ends at the edge of this particular floating chunk of the world on all sides.
Hence the floating island.
Also, there seems to be no way on or off this floating island except through the door."
Ignatius: "I've got just over two thirds of my hit points. I don't even know if those hit points are right for me."
DM: "Hit points aren't right for everyone."
Garsan: "That would be more heroic than I believe we have the capacity to be right now."
Drolund: "We basically all attack that dude. To death."
(Referring to the room about to go up in flames)
Ignatius: "It was going to be so awesome."
Garsan: "Dude, it is going to be awesome, the only difference is, we're going to be involved."
Ignatius: "You're still standing in fire."
Garsan: "I... I... understand. The point of this is for me to watch your backs as you all escape."
Garsan: "Question: Are there any dresses?"
Ignatius: "Why do you want dresses?"
Garsan: "I was hoping we could disguise ourselves as women so they wouldn't attack us."
Garsan: "While we're getting stronger, they're just sitting there."
Tytus: "A hole is a trap!"
Garsan: "No, a hole is a hole. A trap is a hole that looks like it's not a hole."
Garsan: "Sometimes the best way to invade is to run away."
Garsan: "Everyone thinks we're dead until we come back victorious."
Tytus: "Line of sight. Who ever thought it would be so important?"
Ignatius: "No one ever gets tired of hitting Garsan."
Ignatius: "I look at the bandit king guy... and I just stare. He knows what I mean."
Tytus: "[Garsan] punches him in the neck. With his foot."
Bandit Leader: "You invaded our home!"
Garsan: "We did not! We walked through a portal that we didn't know where it led, and we wound up in your house. That's not our fault!"
DM: "You wake up in nothing but a loincloth."
Ignatius: "Okay. I still look good."
Ignatius: "I try to convince [Dasred] to turn back from the dark side."
Garsan: "Make a futility check. Oh wait... you passed!"
Garsan, to Ignatius: "Now. Do it now. While we each have one hit point. We'll fight to the death. We'll slap each other in the face until one of us drops."
Garsan: "How did you fail your code?"
Ignatius: "Off the top of my head: I abandoned our female companion and let her fall to the dark side, I'm currently enslaved by a dark lord, and the seal of a being of ultimate evil is burned into my skin. It's been a bad day."
Drolund: "In most life or death situations I typically choose death, but in this case I'll make an exception."
Zorintino: "The problem with these spells is that they only affect humanoids."
Garsan: "The problem with those spells is how many are left alive after you cast them."
DM: "You find a scroll of Protection from Dragon Breath."
Ignatius: "Do dragon turtles have dragon breath or turtle breath?"
DM: "You find a broken pocket watch."
Drolund: "Excellent. I've always wanted to be able to not tell time."
(The party is trying to avoid taking the underwater route when...)
Garsan: "Let's be honest here, how long has it been since any of us have had baths?"
Drolund: "Farting is a free action."
Garsan: "Oh, I have horseshoes! Horseshoes will float underwater!"
Garsan: "Let's give it a couple rounds and see if we're dead."
DM: "You manage to find 3 cats."
Garsan: "Ok. We bring them in for questioning."
Drolund: "I ready a throwing hammer."
Zorintino: "Umm... 'We come in peace?' "
Garsan: "I start sparking my flint and steel to create light."
DM: "You can see in the dark."
Garsan: "Oh yeah...' "
Ignatius: "We need to ask the village people about this person."
Drolund: "They're too busy singing YMCA."
(The party finds a group of deformed animals in cages)
Garsan: "We should put them out of their misery. I cuddle one and gently... slit its throat."
Tytus: "We have perception checks of abnormal people!"
Ignatius: "If we find these rocks, I will admit I was wrong. Until then, I will continue to hate you guys."
Garsan: "What's in that dungeon that's small?"
Zorintino: "Well, there's giants."
Ignatius: "I don't really care because it makes me happy when I kill a person."
DM: "Doors can't wear cloaks."
DM: "You stab him in the lungs. He's not happy."
Garsan: "I feel like this isn't a real battle because I didn't die. At least not yet."
Garsan: "Fire is the universal language."
Garsan: "When you tell people you're from the future, they have no choice but to believe you."
Garsan: "We're heroes here, not wussbags; let's kill these people."
Garsan: "We're going to kill one of the necromancers or both. Whichever comes first."
Tytus: "Let's wait to see who's coming. If they're good guys, we can use them as a distraction."
Garsan: "Let's ask around."
Ignatius: "We're being chased by skeletons!"
Garsan: "Okay, let's ask them."
King Harromaer: "Not many people can face a beholder and live."
Garsan: "Yeah well, we're not many people."
DM: "She's the goddess of balance who created the time pieces."
Tytus: "Is she hot?"
Dasred (DM): "I didn't expect to see you here."
Ignatius: "We neither expected nor wanted to see you here."
Garsan: "Do you know where Xhandel is?"
Ignatius: "Yeah, we want to kill him."
Garsan: "No, we want to join him." *wink wink*
Tytus: "I'm thinking about pulling out my bow and shooting one of her men. Just because I'm bored."
Drolund: "Now is the time, Tytus."
Garsan: "The time is now."
Drolund: "The time has never been more now than it is right now."
Tytus: "It's a area, not a people."
Tytus: "He's being all gallant."
Garsan: "That's what he is."
Tytus: "And foolish."
Garsan: "That's also what he is."
DM: "It's a blackjack roll, so you want lower."
Garsan: "Wow that's a natural 20! Good job!"
Garsan: "Our fate points are gone, so we're no longer legendary. The cataclysm is no longer going to happen, so we're not cataclysmic. And we have protection from fire, so we're not 'of fire.' So now we're basically just ordinary heroes."
Tytus: "I take a knee. It's the first time you've ever seen me bow before anybody. Except a pot of gold."
Garsan: "In sacrifice to this deity, I pull the rarest, moldiest hunk of meat from my pack to offer her."
- Olaffsen Henderthwaite - Human
BakerCleric/Fighter - Played by Jay S.
- Dinah Frostwitch - Sylph Oracle - Played by Sam L.
- Malak - Tiefling Alchemist - Played by Tommy J.
- Elloven Moss - Elven Ranger - Played by Andy S.
- Alrhaiya Ellarein - Elven Magus - Played by Thayne B.
- Everyone else (DM) - Played by Bryan S.
Alrhaiya: "Who cares if it's a trap? We get treasure out of it."
Dinah: "Who's going to open the door?"
Elloven: "Let the thief take care of it."
Olaffsen: "We don't have a thief in the party."
Bandit: "Please don't hurt me! I'm only CR 1/2!"
Elloven: "If you ask my friends, and I use the term loosely, I don't care about people. And you happen to be one."
Olaffsen: "Can I jump? I don't think I can jump."
Elloven (OOC): "He is a woman." (Referring to Sam playing Dinah)
(Malak is joining via video chat, and the laptop is just placed on a nearby shelf)
Olaffsen (OOC): "Look at [Malak], he fits conveniently inside a shelf. He's usually much larger than that."
Elloven (OOC): "He's [Malak] on a Shelf! Leave him home when you go on vacation. Hey, that's not your TV! Put that down! I've notified the police of your intrusion! He helps the elderly! If it wasn't for [Malak] on a Shelf I'd have been lying on the bathroom floor for six months! Thanks [Malak] on a Shelf! Love you, grandma!"
Olaffsen: "Confess to your crimes or you will be hanged immediately."
Dinah: "Otherwise you will be hanged after a trial.
Olaffsen (sarcastically): "It's not like you're the strongest fighter in the party or anything..."
Elloven: "That's what I'm saying!"
Olaffsen: "I don't think what I just said means what you think it means."
Elloven: "Become one with the die."
*Dinah rolls 1*
Dinah: "I became one with the die."
Olaffsen: "Give it to her!"
Elloven: "Now's not the time for that. I'm trying to kill her!"
Olaffsen: "I meant stick her with your blade! Oh wait..."
Bandit leader: "Fool! You are a traitor and a coward."
Dinah: "And you are a gentleman and a scholar."
Bandit leader: "Oh... why, thank you."
Dinah (OOC): "Remember, we're not level 8 anymore."
Elloven (OOC): "Well you don't get to level 8 by thinking about being level 1."
Dinah: "Can I doom him now?"
Elloven: "Or do you want to blow the table? That was not a sexual remark."
Dinah: "Oh that's right. I am sort of interested in why I'm so weird."
Olaffsen: "We will tentatively take the job, provided we don't have to break the law."
Dinah: "In other words, we'll take your money, but we won't do the job."
DM Character: "You seem like upstanding people."
Dinah: "Our appearances are not deceiving."
Alrhaiya: "We will not rob the dead. Unless we killed them."
Dinah: "Well that was a strange experience. Thank you."
Dinah: "We're not sure we want to join up with them."
Malak: "Why not?"
Dinah: "Because they're lame."
Alrhaiya: "We can't say that we'll do it and then not do it."
Olaffsen: "We would love to do it."
Olaffsen: "I've got rope and arrows, I think I'm pretty good."
Olaffsen: "I moon them."
Dinah: "No, they're wererats! They get their power from the moon!"
Dinah: "We inform the other patrons that they're now horrible abominations of nature, but they should just move on. Life has its way of throwing its little curveballs at us."
Dinah: "Yep, we just saved the lives of 3 people and killed 4 others."
Elloven: "Here's our resume. Here's all the things we've killed."
Alrhaiya: "The house is an octagon. It's like the pentagon, but more."
Dinah: "Does it turn people into rats?"
Watchman: "It does not. Why do you ask?"
Dinah: "No reason."
Elloven: "We should also get some official representatives from the town in case we need to murder somebody."
Elloven: "He's not going to pull a weapon on us, there's five of us. He's dumb, but he's not stupid."
- Gel-Ran-Dee - Halfling Monk - Played by Sam L.
- Elduin Grovetender - Elven Druid - Played by Bryan S.
- Jer Argentum - Human Fighter - Played by Tommy J.
- Fearias - Elven Warlock - Played by Andy S.
- Velden Moongleam - Human Cleric - Played by Thayne B.
- Dorin Barleybrew - Halfling Rogue - Played by Jacob
- Everyone else (DM) - Played by Jay S.
Fearias: "I made you my friend because you're silver, and I like money." (Referring to Jer)
Fearias: "I use him as the udder."
DM, Elduin, Velden: "You mean, the rudder...?"
Jer: "I've had bad experiences with old men."
Fearias: "I say we go and kill them."
Velden: "The king, the old man, or the invading barbarians?"
Elduin: "You’re halfway to level 2 and you haven't even done anything yet!"
Gel-Ran-Dee: "I did have a mental breakdown. Do I get any experience for that?"
Fearias: "There is only one thing I don't tolerate. You can slap my servant around. You can pee on my dog. But don't take my gold!"
Fearias: "We can help them catch their pigs. [Jer] can do that."
Farmer: "Thanks for saving our bacon. Literally." - (after saving their pigs)
DM: "It once was a monolith, but it's now broken into many pieces."
Velden: "So now it's a polylith...?"
Gel-Ran-Dee (OOC): "We're being smart, and it's annoying." (correcting each other's grammar and the like)
Elduin: "I can communicate verbally with the bird. So I can basically tweet to him."
DM: "And he can retweet to you."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Do I hear anything from the druids?"
DM: "You hear them chewing on their legs. Of meat."
Elduin: "Let's look for an area that's densely populated with food. I mean foliage."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Let's hope there's not a ham-bush!"
Elduin: "Does it sound like angry braying or conversational braying?"
DM: "It sounds like celebratory braying."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Democrats just won the election."
Fearias: "I vote how [Velden] votes."
Elduin: "Wow. How very... uncharacteristic of you."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "I hop on the bear's back."
Velden: "Sometimes it's nice to go bareback riding."
Fearias: "Are there any maids around?"
Elduin: "And are they milking?"
D: "Yes, you open a door and see eight maids milking. Then there's another room with a pool and swans swimming in it. You hear thudding in another room and open a door to see a bunch of lords jumping around."
Fearias: "Then I look out the window and see a partridge in a pear tree, and I say, 'That's it! I'm done with this!' "
Evil druid: "The Horned God does not succumb to implorement."
Fearias: "What if we come back and find Kestral's body, won't that make you upset?"
Elduin: "No, I didn't really like him that much."
Elduin: "You know what's at stake here, right, Jer?"
Jer: "I like steak."
DM: "The ogres have become bolder lately."
Elduin: "I thought they were ogres, not boulders..."
DM: "You see a pair of them."
Elduin: "Well are they ogres, boulders, or pears?? Tell them to make up their minds!"
Velden: "They would just stop here and hit me."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "I'm okay with that."
Gel-Ran-Dee's player: "I slowly back away and abandon my friend."
DM: "They're marching diagonally, so it's really slow."
Jer: "Did you just vote to kill my father?"
Gel-Ran-Dee: "No, I didn’t say anything like that..."
(fighting a plant monster)
Elduin: "I transform into a bear."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "You should transform into some kind of herbivore so that you can eat it."
Velden: "We're on a diplomatic mission."
Elduin: "To Alderaan."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Yes, to Alderaan places."
Elduin: "For Alderaan reasons."
Fearias: "Who has the best Deception here?"
All: "You do."
DM: "And that's no coincidence."
Elduin: "Dragons have really good eyesight. And earsight."
Elduin: "The lepers!"
Fearias: "Throw your arm at him!"
Elduin: "It is perhaps a strange army." [Talking to the Dathiri field commander about the army of plant creatures and minotaurs]
Gel-Ran-Dee: "It is... Don't say that."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "We've managed to totally dismantle our own forces, now let's go attack the guy who hired us! Alright!"
Gel-Ran-Dee: "We've been the bad guys the whole time!"
Elduin (in response to reports of the king's death): "How tragic. Alright, we sit back down."
Elduin: "How do we know when we've found the secret entrance?"
Seedy stonemason (NPC): "Well, you won't be able to see it."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "We are the best at coming up with terrible ideas."
Velden: "I heal him 5 hit points."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Yayyyyyy, minimum!"
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Your chakra is unbalanced! You're being controlled by your emotions."
Elduin: "Your feng shui is off! Rearrange your furniture!"
Gel-Ran-Dee: "He was intoxicated, which made him more flammable."
DM: "That's why they're called the bogs of Desparr."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Because someone didn't know how to spell."
Fearias: "Rather than approach them with arms, let's approach them–"
DM and Elduin: "With legs!"
Gel-Ran-Dee: "I mean, if we keep them alive we can–"
DM: "Sell them as slaves?"
Gel-Ran-Dee: "... no."
DM: "If you're leaving, the prince has presents for you."
Elduin: "Then yeah, we definitely leave."
DM: "There's six enemies."
Fearias: "Can we make it seven just to make sure we level up?"
DM: "Yeah, there's seven."
Jer: "I rub coal on my skin so that I look black instead of silver."
Velden: "Don't worry, we'll track her down and bring justice."
Gel-Ran-Dee (from the other side of the building): "We tracked her down and brought justice!"
DM: "You slip the lock and swing open the door. The woman looks very uncomfortable."
Velden: "Don't worry, we don't do this often..."
Elduin: "Let's play a game. We'll roll these dice. If I win, you'll tell us everything you know. If you win, we'll set you free and give you all our gold." (referring to the Dice of the Sage (trick dice))
DM: "You don't see any real identifying marks on her face."
Velden: "We can change that."
Fearias: "You should tell her to stay away from windows; they can be a real pane."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "I'm currently staring daggers into Jer."
Velden: "And he's shooting bolts into you."
Guard: "We saw two men come in here with a woman."
Fearias: "Lots of men come in here with women!"
Assassin: "I needed the gold. I was completely broke."
Fearias: "I can understand that. Wait, no I can't."
DM: "His name is Bort McTort."
Fearias: "Oh great. I already have no respect for him."
Velden: "You don't have another second wind do you?"
Jer: "Nope, I can only fart once."
Elduin: "Don't take from the guards, just take from the things the guards are trying to take from."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Are you planning to fight him?"
Unknown: "I'm planning ahead."
Fearias: "We want to make sure no one accuses her of being a murderer-killer-person."
DM: "I know for a fact that she is not a murderer. Killer. Person."
Fearias: "You don't throw a bloody body in the water and wait for the sharks."
DM: "[Gel-Ran-Dee], you're gonna have to take one for the team here."
Dorin: "You'll have to marry Mezzo. I'm sorry." (Mezzo was the mob boss we had just fought)
DM: "The only thing she has is the clothes on her back."
Elduin: "And [Gel-Ran-Dee]'s about to make short work of that!"
Fearias: "I'll try to sell that story to her. And if it doesn't work, I'll just kill her."
Elduin: "We can't kill that girl. Unless we kill her father, too..."
DM: "Its arm falls off and starts attacking you."
Dorin: "Man, this takes arm wrestling to a whole new level."
Velden: "Since you're not the one on the wanted poster, why don't you–"
DM: "Plug your ears and go la la la la!"
(The party is hired to steal back stolen sheep)
Fearias: "We could do an SVU."
Fearias: "Sheep Victims Unit!"
Gel-Ran-Dee: "We go to sleep. We try to count sheep, but they're all gone."
Fearias: "She is my employee. In turn, gentlemen–"
Velden: "Interns are not employees."
DM: "There are farmers out whipping their cows and milking their wives. Wait, other way around. Wait, neither of those..."
Velden: "We have Gwayna with us."
Fearias: "Is she hot?"
Velden: "Why is that always the first question you ask about every female in this game?"
DM: "His flock is small, but–"
Elduin: "But his heart is big."
Fearias: "You completely missed what I said, but it's okay."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Trust me, it's better that way."
DM: "Gemedes is shucking corn outside his house."
Elduin: "Ew, get a room..."
Velden: "The sky palace idea came from a shepherd who was clearly paranoid and delusional."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Yeah, me and him bonded real well."
DM: "Gwayna will just stand there and shoot her bow."
Elduin: "That seems like a Gwayna kind of thing to do."
DM: "She misses."
Elduin: "That seems like a Gwayna kind of thing to do."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Do sheep count as difficult terrain?"
DM: "Is this some kind of trick?"
Elduin: "No! It's some kind of treat!"
Elduin: "Don't eat that cupcake, [Velden]. It's a trap!"
Dorin: "Our tastebuds can't repel flavor of that magnitude!"
Elduin: "So antivenom won't work?"
Velden: "Really, poison is just an acid."
Elduin: "Ahhh. Then what we need is an antacid!"
Note: I know not all poisons/venoms are acids, but effects-wise, most non-neurotoxin types essentially are.
Jer: "I'll go with you, [Gel-Ran-Dee]!"
Velden: "You're in my backpack."
Jer: "I'll go with you, [Velden]!"
Yuan-Ti: "What we do with the sheep is our affair."
Velden: "You really shouldn't be having affairs with sheep..."
DM: "The enemy attacks your hostage and strikes him down."
Velden: "Oh. I was gonna do that."
Dorin: "Hold on. Let me fetch my waterboarding kit."
Mayor: "There's no time for torture!"
Dorin: "There's always time for torture."
Dorin: "Belgard is better than anywhere."
DM: "Better than being mercilessly slaughtered by 80 snake men. Which just about anything is better than..."
Dorin: "All we need to do is find 80 mongoose men."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "That floating fortress is about to be overrun by mutant sheep."
Dorin: "They are shepherds, so they'll probably have a chance."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Yeah, it's like their natural enemy."
Fearius: "It's my noble obligation to care for the people beneath me."
DM: "And everybody's beneath you!"
Trying to justify the party's actions to at least some extent.
Velden: "At least some of the people we've killed were... well. Nevermind."
Dorin: "This foe is beyond any of you. Fly, you fools!"
Fearius: "I'm trying. Give me a minute!" (after trying to cast the Fly spell)
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Can I make a sling?"
DM: "Sure, make a craft check DC 5."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Natural 1."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Shoot it with tiny pieces of wood! That’s the best way to kill plants!"
Elduin: "I'll just fly above the giant, and if I lose flying, I'll just fall on him."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Yeah, and then good things will happen..."
DM: "You hear the sound of rushing water."
Fearius: "That's what I was afraid of. Every time we get near water, something terrible happens!"
Jer: "Everything's vine." (in a plant filled room)
DM: "He charges up and gores you with his tusks."
Velden: "You mean horns."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "The teeth on his forehead."
DM: "You find a magical fairy who makes all your dreams come true."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "I don't have dreams. They were all beaten out of me at the monastery."
DM: "One of the creatures rips the heart out of the corpse."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "I like my heart, I'd like to keep it. Besides, my heart belongs to Gwayna and no one else."
Fearius: "Where's Jelk in the room?"
Fearius: "Yeah, Jekkel. Where is he?"
Elduin: "Eventide. I hear it's beautiful this time of year."
Gel-Ran-Dee: "Especially when you're not being eaten by plants there."